Updated: Oct 7, 2019
I sit cross-legged on a checkerboard quilt in the evening heat eating pizza with friends. I see her little frame chasing after the big kids, dragging her little stuffed elephant, Zoe, behind her. I watch as an older girl grabs the soft, worn lovey and flings it across the grass. “Go get it!” the older girl shouts. My momma heart shears in two as I watch my sweet girl chase after Zoe. The older girl grabs the elephant again and I stand up to intervene, but my husband grabs my arm. “Wait,” he says, “Let’s see how she responds. Let’s let her learn.” The interaction continues and I see the confusion on my girl’s face – torn between wanting so desperately to play with the big kids but also not wanting her precious Zoe to be tossed so carelessly. Eventually, my husband decides that enough is enough at roughly the same time the other girl’s parents catch on to the situation. The sun is setting and it’s time to go inside anyway. I exhale the breath I’ve been holding in as my girl bounces toward us. She is tired but happy. She is resilient.
My girl. Just like momma. So quick to placate, to give in for the sake of the status quo. I see so much of myself in her – afraid to speak too loudly, too timid to be heard. But I am learning the art of healthy confrontation and how to advocate for myself. Boy has it been hard. I think we often overcorrect when we discover a problem. Like the financial markets, we swing to the outer edges of the pendulum, struggling to find the delicate, peace-filled balance of resting in the middle. When the markets get too expensive, they sell-off too hard, and in the months and years to come, go through the steps of resettling.
I am an enneagram 6 which basically means that I like to worry about everything, often unnecessarily. I'm currently reading a book titled Falling Short about the impending Retirement Crisis and between that and climate change, flu seasons, parking tickets, and the thousands of other things that could go wrong, suffice it to say I have a hard time sleeping at night. But in the midst of this ongoing conversation I'm having with my community about living from a place of abundance instead of scarcity, I am learning to put those things down. I am coming to terms with what I can and can't control and what it looks like to live both contentedly and courageously. For me, abundance isn't just about having enough in my bank account to be free to take risks and to pursue the things I care about. It's also about believing that I am enough. That I warrant taking up space and even more, that I have something good to contribute to the world.
So often we underestimate ourselves and what we're capable of. I hope to change that - not just for myself but for the generation of women that will follow. I want my daughter to learn how to take up space without having to constantly ask for permission. But I want her to learn how to do so without always having to shout. I want her to learn to advocate for her needs and her wants while still respecting the needs and wants of others, recognizing that sometimes our needs and wants are at odds with those around us and require compromise. In a world teaching her to win at all costs, I want her to learn the delicate dance of fighting for what she believes in without demolishing the dignity of those she may be at odds with. Insecurity is not the same thing as the true beauty of humility. Neither is arrogance a substitute for contented confidence. I am discovering how to claim not just physical abundance but an abundance of courage and confidence and while it has been a difficult process, it is good.
Today is the official launch of Lovely Abundance and as I embark on a new path, I find myself taking steps towards gratitude for the process. Going forward, I hope to offer the very best of my knowledge and resources to the women who choose to be a part of this journey and I’m excited to continue down the road together. If there’s anything I can do to help you along in your journey please don’t hesitate to let me know.